


darling i'll say goodbye (even though i'm blue)

by goodtimings



Category: B1A4
Genre: Angst, Death, Fear, Fic Dump, Friendship, Lowercase, Regret, Sadness, idk what to tag this, life - Freeform, thoughtful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-17 07:23:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11846733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodtimings/pseuds/goodtimings
Summary: dear dongwoo, be free of worries in your next life will you?





	darling i'll say goodbye (even though i'm blue)

**Author's Note:**

> this has been sitting in my notes forever. it's angsty and i'm sorry cnu. ps the title is an old song title :)

it was a friday when jinyoung heard about the news, he had been repacking his bag to head back to the dorms so they could finally prepare for their winter comeback. 

 

the phone had rung like it always had, a familiar sing-songy tone that cut off as he waited for the sound of his mothers to brightly greet the person on the other line. he would later feel apologetic to the bearer of bad news, once he could move along from his own selfish sorrows. the soft light cast by his desk lamp flickered slightly - like it always would when the phone went,  and nothing seemed out of place.

 

there was no timer, but jinyoung could estimate that the call had taken approximately ten seconds before his mother had turned to walk into his room. he could easily hear the footsteps getting louder. earlier his mother's voice had been muffled by the two doors between his room and the kitchen, so soft that jinyoung had only heard the accent of 'h' in hello.

 

 _one, two, three, four, five-_   unlike usual, the footsteps appeared to get closer only to move further. his mother was pacing, something was off.

 

jinyoung's door swings open five seconds late. his mother meets him face to face with eyes filled with tears.

 

"mom, mom what's wrong? are you okay?" urgent and worried, jinyoung almost regrets asking to this day. maybe he could just pretend, a stupid delusion ridiculous and impossible idea and yet part of him just wishes it was possible - to pretend. pretend like he'd never existed in the first place, or never met.

 

panic, in that moment it was only panic, the look in his mother's eyes did not bear anything good. this wasn't how jinyoung liked to feel, jinyoung liked to be the calm one even when he truly wasn't. the leader, strong as a house with all four walls, collected and in control before, midway and after the storm.

 

"i-it's dongwoo." his mother stuttered out, trying her best to hold eye contact but so obviously struggling. right, he'd been like a son to her, always giving her a christmas presents and helping to set the dinner table when the boys would visit in winter.

 

it takes jinyoung 3 minutes to finish packing for all it was useless, for all that it wouldn't even matter and as a sign of all he'd have to deal with soon, _once people knew._  only a quick hug to his family and a tight smiled goodbye was left before he rushes to his car and attempts to control his breathing. 

 

even such a weak goodbye he would have been greatful for, if it had been towards his best friend.

 .something is better than nothing, after all.

 

 

fluttering eyes, skimming over words and people and faces but not really taking it in, jinyoung still remembers the overwhelming feeling of standing in the hospital lobby, staircases leading to far above his time and body.  knowing that somewhere in this busy building lay his best friend, someone he truly loved was suffering. 

by the time the remaining three arrived it had been too late. too late to say goodbye, too late to break down and cry on the dirty and yet clean floors, too late to catch a glimpse of the last breathing moment their best friend took. suddenly the white of a hospital felt too bright, felt too clinical and too real while being so fake all at once. 

 

the pain did not go away, as dongwoo left them. 

 

* * *

 

 

jinyoung walked up to the stage with fear at his throat, softly but surely threatening to choke him. his legs quivered under the light weight he was, eyes numbly blurring everything around him.

he pressed shakey hands to the wooden surface behind the podium, speaking with an equally shakey voice. as if his bones were made of crickety wood, like an old house being blown too fiercely by the wind. but this time, the wind was completely nonexistent and jinyoung just felt like an absolute idiot for being so easily swayed.

 

the funeral had been planned quickly forcing everyone to think of the event rather than who it was for. jinyoung had written 4 songs in that time, chosen the flowers and began writing 15 shitty speech's, only to actually finish one 5 minutes before the service. he wouldn't show dongwoo these things, not now and now never.

 

"d-dongwoo," 

 

first word out, even so it felt like he was trying to eat a dry biscuit without water.

 

"dongwoo was a smart guy." the 'was' tore at jinyoung's heart everytime he breathed.

 

"a guy so smart... you thought he was dumb."

 

that earned a few laughs thankfully, although not easing jinyoung's high potential to hyperventilate right then and there. 

 

"i mean it, seriously. the dongwoo most of us knew was like this. he studied well and spoke wisely, he observed the situation and was always the calm before, midway and after, the storm."

 

images of dongwoo spilled into jinyoung's mind quicker than usual and stained like ink, this time he wouldn't push them aside, this time he couldn't.

 

a single tear fell from jinyoung's eyes, he could hear it patter as it landed on his speech paper, smudging the ink, and then another and another. 

 

like an automative message, a broken, halfhearted apology slipped through his lips to the crowd as they nodded as if they understood, who knows, maybe they did. 

 

after a deep breath, jinyoung continued.

 

"but he was also so stupid _(so god damn stupid)_. it's ridiculous, how many times he told me about his troubles and i heard them. they were so stupid. 

_(dear jinyoung, you're going to hell for calling your dead best friend stupid.)_

dongwoo would always pick out the worst in himself, worry himself sick over a sentence he spoke on a show, h-he was always afraid of letting us down."

 

good grief when will this end, jinyoung doesn't remember this being so long but another tear is already rolling down his already tear-streamed face.

 

a long silence filled with muffled sobs came next.

 

"i guess that wasn't so stupid after all. i just wish _(so badly.)_  that dongwoo had lived a life less in fear of ruining this one.

because in the end, was it worth it?" he pictured wrapping his arm around the older boy after a night in the practice room, "was it worth it hyung?" as they snuck food from the company fridge.

 

deep breath.

 

"may he rest in peace, my brother, my member, cnu, dongwoo, i miss you, i love you."

 

 

_be free of worries in your next life, will you?_

 

**Author's Note:**

> WHY DID I WRITE THIS I LOVE B1A4 SO MUCH I HOPE THEY LIVE LONG HEALTHY HAPPY BEAUTIFUL LIVES  
> also i hope u enjoyed this average lil fic pls feel free to leave feedback <33
> 
> even if sometimes i don't write w a purpose i think this fic reminded me that life is made to be lived to the fullest. if i can give any advice i would say, try to live without wasting time worrying about the things you can't change. it's hard to live by but if you remember it it might help <3 may you have a wonderful life and thank you for reading!!!!


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